How do you decide what to teel when you feel everything? I say this because i have finally reached the point in my life where my lack of forward progress is no longer hindered by myself buy by my circumstances (no I can't spell worth a darn so bear with me on how this blog turns out).
I love my mother. I love my family and I know that in times like these we come together and stand as one to get through what's ahead. And i want it understood that for all my complaints i know it's not her fauel and I knwo that here's nothing i can change about how this will go. I'm just going to have to sit up and take the pain. And the truth is that her condition and the fact that she is dying is not the only pain involved as if that isn't enough.
My life has come utterly unhinged. I am at cush a point at which I know I can either choose to circumb to my depressiona nd take a travel down that black hole tht I have inside me or I can try to tight it off with the little that I have going ofor me, which to say is verry little.
I've spent the last year and a half putting off things I needed ot move on to because my other half would not stop to discuss anything that had to o with it, leving me in a perdicament of not knowing how to do things. The truth, he didn't really want to share his life with me, and that's why we didn't get anywhere. So now I"m free to make any choice I choose. But, I'm not. And the pert of that choice I want to choose...well...a man who loves me. A man with a 12 year track record of reliabiltiy and support. A man who's loved me for a long time and a man whom I've always loved. That's not to say I didn't love my previous other half. However I do believe that I've ignored some feelings that were inconvenient to my situation, this I no longer choose to do. I have had the opportunity to spend itme with him on my trip to California these past few weeks and we have just as much spark as we did ten years ago. He understands me and reads me like an open book, something agiain my previous could never do.
But none of this is as positive a thing in my life as it should be. I now have decided that what I want is to go home, go back to where I was raised, back to where I grew up, back to California. This is my home, this is where my memories are, this is where my oldest friends are, this is a place where I actually stand a chance of working in a field I want. I don't believe I'd have any trouble getting into the MFA Creative Writing program nor do I think it will be much trouble to do a graphis art minor, especially with a semester of grad school at a top five school under my belt.
It all sounds very exciting doesn't it? And as I type I'm sure the thud of my heart saying doesn't that just sound like the most happy making situation ever can ring loud and clear. But remember, I dont' actually get to do any of this. Because I no longer have the luxury of living my own life, or even beginning to built it. I have to place my existance on hold. I will have to live in a town with nothing in it, at a job that I didn't hate per say but the new locations is so depressing. And in the end I have to endure to be at home and care for my mother which I know I should do. But in the light of having so little of what I want out of life happening, how in God's name am I supposed ot be strong enough to watch he die? I don't have it in me tot ell you the truth. I've spent the last two years waiting for my turn to move my existance forward and now that I'm fee to do so, I can't.
