At "Home"

Well I have been "home" for two weeks this coming Monday and I'm quite miserable here. I'd forgotten how isolated this place was and how lonely. Compounding on that is the fact that my mothers condition is progressing. The original chemo treatment has stopped working and things are very much up in the air, they're trying other things but it's still an unknown on how they will work and when my parents will be forced to come home for the end. I am here at "home" waiting to see how things go. But I have to say it is not a very satisfactory position for me. I would much rather be where they are. To just cut out and fly down and be there to keep mom company, help dad work, and have the support of my boyfriend right by my side. I know that even if someone isn't physically with you they are "there for you" and all that support is good but sometimes you words on the phone line aren't enough and you just want someone to wrap their arms around you and curl up on the couch for a while. I miss him. I feel helpless to help my parents from here and my dad keeps telling me he needs me to stay put, and I'm complying. But I have to say every fiber of my being is telling me to work my butt off make my bills early and go and help. I can't say that it's totally motivated by helping them. Though that is a big bulk of it, like I said I miss him. But if my family was here and he was there in this situation I would be staying because they need me and I need to be there for them and for myself through this. Add to it I'm not really making ends meat here so far. I started work last week and if I take gas costs out of my pay for last week I only made 55 dollars, that doesn't even by me food, let alone pay for any other of my expenses. I'm lonely, constrained, and helpless. I'm not tracking and I find it quites safe to say I'm probly not eating enough, but I can't seem to find the will to deal with making a meal not to mention the money to but the food to even make a whole meal. I feel up rooted, disrupted and at a little bit of a loss to figure out what I need to do to do what I want. But I'm taking steps and I've got my letters of recommendation getting sent to the school I'm applying to, and I've ordered all but one set of transcripts to be sent. After that I just need to submit my electronic application and send in my portfolio and hopefully but the fall I'll be a MFA grad student in California.

Blog from Dec.30 2009

Certain family members have been telling me for a long time that they think I need to stand up to my father and stop being controlled by him but only I could decide to do it. I didn't understand what they ment. Now I'm catching on. But is now the time to be catching on? What I really want to do at this juncture in time is (pardon) tell him to go F himself and just take off. Problem with that is my mother gets caught in the crossfire. I finally see that everytime I turn around and say there's something I want to do he says "we'll see"...."we'll see" like it's his decitions what I do. It's not his choice anymore. What I want to do matters **** it. I know there's a lot of obligations now and I know that they need a certain amount of my help. But does that make it ok when it compromises my life, when it's going to make me miserable, when it runs the risk of me losing opertunities that I want? Where is the line drawn between beign helpful and being a door mat? I love my dad which is why I have the ability to hate him so much too. But what do I do about it now? How do I tell him he can't do this to me anymore when things are tough enough already? We all need to be in top form as much as possible, be as happy as possible, rested, life moving in forward motion in order to get through the rougher times ahead. But, what he's asking of me is nothing short of compromising my emotional well being at a time when I really need it to be working in tip to order to handle what's happening and what's ahead. I know what I want to do, I've made it plain to everyone but he makes me feel guilty for wanting to do anything other than stay at home. I can't just stay at home there's nothing for me there. And yes I'd have my family to an extent, but it's not my home, it's their home. All it is for me is my family home, it's cold, winter sucks, and my job sucks. How is that going to make me helpfull? How is that going to make things better? I know they've missed me, and he's missed me and I've missed him, but at a certain point where and how do I draw the line between their life and mine, and how do I do it now?

Blog from Dec.27 2009

How do you decide what to feel when you feel everything? I say this because I have finally reached a point in my life where my lack of forward progress is no longer hindered by myself but by my circumbstance (no I can't spell worth a darn so I'm sorry how this blog turns out). I love my mother. I love my family and I know that in times like these we come together and stand as one to get through what's ahead. And I want it understood that for all my complaints I know it's not her fault and I know that there's nothing I can change about how this will go. I'm just going to have to sit up and take the pain. And the truth is that her condition and the fact that she is dieing is not the only pain involved as it that isn't enough. My life has come utterly unhinged. I am at such a point at which I know I can either choose to sercumb to my depression and take a travel down that black hole that I have inside me or I can try to fight it off with the little that I have going for me, which to say is verry little. I've spent the last year and a half putting off things I needed to move on to because my other half would not stop to discuss anything that had to do with it, leaving me in a perdicament of now knowing how to do things. The truth, he didn't really want to shair his life with me, and that's why we didn't get anywhere. So now I am free to make any choice to I choose. But I'm not. And the perk of that choice...well...a man who loves me. An man who's loved me for a long time and a man whom I've always loved. That's not to say I didn't love my previous other half. However I do believe that I've ignored some feelings that were inconvenient to my situation, this I no longer choose to do. I have had the oppertunity to spend time with him on my trip and we have just as much spark as we did ten years ago. He understands me and reads me like and open book, something again my previous could never do. But non of this is as positive a thing in my life as it should be. I now have decided that what I want to do is go home, go back to where I was raised, back to where I grew up, back to California. This is my home, this is where my memories are, this is where my oldes friends are, this is a place where I actually stand a chance of working in a field I want. I don't believe I'd have any trouble getting into the MFA Creative Writing program nor do I think it will be much trouble to do a graphic art minor, especially with a semester of grad school in a top 5 school under my belt already. It all sounds verry exciting doesn't it? And as I type I sure the thud of my heart saying doesn't that just sound like the most happy making situations ever can ring clear. But remember, I don't actually get to do any of this. Because I no longer have the luxury of living my own life, or even begining to build it. I have to place my existance on hold. I will have to live in a town with nothing in it, at a job that I didn't hate persay but the new location is so depressing. And in the end I have to do endure to be at home and care for my mother which I know I should do. But in the light of having so little of what I want out of life happening, how in God's name am I supposed to be strong enough to watch her die? I don't have it in me to tell you the truth. I've spent the last two years waiting for my turn to move my existance forward and now that I've been released to do it, I can't.

Blog from Dec.23 2009

Tonight I sit here in a different place. I sit in a place that is familiar and not. The trailer is different the occupents are not. I am not 14 anymore. Though I wish desparatly for simplicity. I remember it. I remember it like it was not that long ago. And for me it wasn't. Not two months ago I knew what most of my life was doing. I knew where I was going in certain parts of my life. Not to say I had anything "figured out" concretly but I had felt like a certain part of my existance had setteld down, that it was done and that it was in place the way it should be. Now it is the deffinition of unsetteled. I watch people from past aspects of my life online and wonder how they've managed to make happy transition upon happy transition through their lives and come out in a place of setteledness. While I am in a job I don't love, living in a place I don't like, and in dire need of, not direction nessicarily, direction I have, but in dire need of a path or road to get me from point A to point B. I can't help but wonder in my position if I (pardon) F-ed it up somewhere. I if you knew me and asked me I could tell you exactly where. But we all make mistakes when we're teenagers. I can't say I'm so far from my teen years that I don't get it, I do and I don't have the type of seniority to pass judgement on anyone or anything. All I know is there was a choice that I made that if I could take it back things would be different. And I can't say that they would be better, though I imagine that it would have been. I know that many will mock the vague ness of my language and wonder what my situation is to have prompted such a thought. I can only comment to say that I'm not divulging the details of that to anyone but myself for the time being. I have learned the lession of having too many opinions. Those who need to know do and those who don't...well don't.

I'm tired I'm 25 years old and accomplished very little of what I wanted by 26. And most will say but you're only 25. Yes I know. I'm only 25 but I don't know what do do with 25 and no where. Th average age of americans who still live at home has risin and I fall into that bracket, and now I fall into that statistic. I am a girl who grew up wanting everything and was told I could get it. And then at the age of 17 I gave up on part of it. I decided that because of my weight I wasn't a person worth having a personal life, no one would date me, and I decided to move past it and become the most acomplished career woman I could be. I don't want to be that girl again I want my everything and I wish I could stop seeing it right in front of me with no way of grabbing it.

Blog from Dec. 14 2009

Ok. So it's all said and done and I'm moved into my parents house. However unhappy about it I may be, which is increasing. Does anyone out there think that of all the places we live over the course of our lives our soul will settle somewhere and that will always feel like home to us? I feel that way right now, in California. I know that moving back home was the "right" decisions to make. But I don't like it there. I would almost go as far to say I hate it there. Here I feel like my heart, soul, and entire ora is settled, comfortable, home. I think I may have made the "smart" decision the "right" one but I'm not sure if it was the right one for me