How do you decide what to teel when you feel everything? I say this because i have finally reached the point in my life where my lack of forward progress is no longer hindered by myself buy by my circumstances (no I can't spell worth a darn so bear with me on how this blog turns out).
I love my mother. I love my family and I know that in times like these we come together and stand as one to get through what's ahead. And i want it understood that for all my complaints i know it's not her fauel and I knwo that here's nothing i can change about how this will go. I'm just going to have to sit up and take the pain. And the truth is that her condition and the fact that she is dying is not the only pain involved as if that isn't enough.
My life has come utterly unhinged. I am at cush a point at which I know I can either choose to circumb to my depressiona nd take a travel down that black hole tht I have inside me or I can try to tight it off with the little that I have going ofor me, which to say is verry little.
I've spent the last year and a half putting off things I needed ot move on to because my other half would not stop to discuss anything that had to o with it, leving me in a perdicament of not knowing how to do things. The truth, he didn't really want to share his life with me, and that's why we didn't get anywhere. So now I"m free to make any choice I choose. But, I'm not. And the pert of that choice I want to choose...well...a man who loves me. A man with a 12 year track record of reliabiltiy and support. A man who's loved me for a long time and a man whom I've always loved. That's not to say I didn't love my previous other half. However I do believe that I've ignored some feelings that were inconvenient to my situation, this I no longer choose to do. I have had the opportunity to spend itme with him on my trip to California these past few weeks and we have just as much spark as we did ten years ago. He understands me and reads me like an open book, something agiain my previous could never do.
But none of this is as positive a thing in my life as it should be. I now have decided that what I want is to go home, go back to where I was raised, back to where I grew up, back to California. This is my home, this is where my memories are, this is where my oldest friends are, this is a place where I actually stand a chance of working in a field I want. I don't believe I'd have any trouble getting into the MFA Creative Writing program nor do I think it will be much trouble to do a graphis art minor, especially with a semester of grad school at a top five school under my belt.
It all sounds very exciting doesn't it? And as I type I'm sure the thud of my heart saying doesn't that just sound like the most happy making situation ever can ring loud and clear. But remember, I dont' actually get to do any of this. Because I no longer have the luxury of living my own life, or even beginning to built it. I have to place my existance on hold. I will have to live in a town with nothing in it, at a job that I didn't hate per say but the new locations is so depressing. And in the end I have to endure to be at home and care for my mother which I know I should do. But in the light of having so little of what I want out of life happening, how in God's name am I supposed ot be strong enough to watch he die? I don't have it in me tot ell you the truth. I've spent the last two years waiting for my turn to move my existance forward and now that I'm fee to do so, I can't.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Poem
I do not feel
I write
I put pen to paper
and pretend the
emotions oare
of the pen
I look on with
third party eyes
and observe so
as not to be
in pain
I do not feel
I write
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
A New Thought
I was thinking about my boyfriend, Joe, tonight and had some interesting revelations about his role and timing in my life. I met the man that I have no doubts about calling my future husband three years ago next week. He came into my life at a time where as a very overweight woman I had given up on love, marriage, and the whole family thing. He's brought those things back into my life. But, that isn't why I want to talk about him here today.
Three years ago Joe came into my life and five months later my Uncle John died. And he was there holding me and rocking me to sleep as I cried that night. With quiet understanding and concern he, a cancer survivor himself with a cancer surviving father, wrapped his arms around me and allowed me to feel like life went on.
A little under two years later my Uncle Tom was diagnosed with stage 4 Melanoma, he was given one month to live. Today he is still with us. However the last round of tests proved to be the end of the success of his treatments. He is forgoing anymore chemo and going home for hospice care.
Seven months after my Uncle Tom's diagnosis, and two months ago was my mothers diagnosis for which this blog was started. If I am to harp on words and hang on truth in doctors, on the average we are now reaching the half way point of my mothers life expectancy.
It's hard to imagine how you would be without a loved one in your life that you have and just can't see living without. But, I'm beginning to see some logic in the way some of my more religious relatives think.
Three years ago I had never once had to deal with anything truly hard in my life. I was an only child with loving parents who were and are still together for 30+ years. By definition I am and was lucky. I had no concept of something like cancer or death even entering into my immediate life bubble. But here it is now and just before that bubble got invaded by such a harsh thing, this man came into my life, carrying in his heart a survivor of hope. Hope that I would need and comfort and understanding. No one is a perfect being. However, not only do I believe that Joe is my match. I believe that he was brought into my life at that time because I was about to enter a time that was beyond difficult. A time that even as it happened I would continue to think that it was some cruel joke and these things don't happen to me, or my family.
He is not only my hope, comfort, and soft place to lay my head. But also my grounding in reality. He is the one that will be sure that I don't miss the opportunities that are there to cherish the time that is left simply because I don't want to acknowledge that it's happening. He's the one I needed and need to be in my life for these trying times.
And for weathering the storm that it is and the storm that it is in me I thank him for being my friend, lover, and love.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Good News Today
My mother went in for her second round of tests today. She's been on two rounds of treatment and the cancer markers in her blood are down by 50% and the tumors on her liver have shrunk. Her liver function is up and the tumors even show signs of dying in the middle.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Loss of Words
Words have always been my best friend so to speak. I've been writing stories and poetry for most of my life. And now at a time when things need to be said and my emotions need to be out I can't put sentences together.
I am literally at a point where not only does no one know what to say to me. I don't know what to say at all. I feel I allow myself to live in this little covey of denial where I say that my mother is doing ok because not being at home with her I can say that. But when I go home for a few days which I just did I can't say that. I could say she's doing well considering her condition. But I can't say she's ok.
For that matter I can't say that my father is ok either. I only got to see him for an hour and it takes very little to see what this is doing to him. Just hug him and you can feel how broken he is and how lost he feels. My mother told me that he gave her a hug the other day and told her, "I'm not smart enough to fix this." And I'd say that about sums us all up. We're a family that attacks a problem from step by steps. Go through all the hoops, cut through all the red tape and do what you need to do and all will be well. But this is not that way, no matter how many hoops we jump through no matter how many barriers we break we will still be in the same place as before, and that is that I'm going to loose my mother before she can see the fruits of her labor in me come to blossom and my father is going to loose his wife to whom he's been faithful for just over 30 years.
I feel an obligation to my family and my father to put my strong front on. But I'm not entirely sure that's fair to myself.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I am the forgotten element to the equation.
I didn't realize it till someone said, "we haven't forgotten this effects you too."
Most don't ask me how I am.
And those who do, don't want to know.
To tell the truth, my game face is failing.
If you look you won't have to ask.
And I, won't have to filter it for you.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Hearts and Causes on your Sleeve
Was doing some searching around for Pancreatic Cancer Awareness garb and found this great site that has just about anything for just about any cause you like.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Back to Regular Life
I returned to work today. It's kind of surreal. I feel like I'm going through the motions of work and nothing feels normal/right.
A touch of
normalcy
In the heart
or someone
suffering
Is awkward
Metastatic Pancreatic Cancer
I'll begin this piece by saying I'm still in a certain state of shock. But I'll tell you a bit about myself. My name is Sara and I'm 25 years old. I graduated college last year and moved out of my parents' home into an apartment with my boyfriend, whom I've been with for almost three years now. Two weeks ago I went to visit my family for the 4th of July. My mother looked fine and my father was acting kind of odd. After returning home I was on the phone with my mom and asked her if something was wrong with dad. She told me he was fine and preceded to tell me that they had just found out that her liver enzymes were not correct.
Fast forward three days and my mother is in an immobilizing amount of pain from her right leg. My father forces her to the ER (coincidental I just noticed that this day was also their anniversary). Come to find out she has a blood clot from her ankle through her knee and up 4 inches of her thigh. The doctors put her on blood thinners and she goes home.
Three days later again she vomits blood, back to the ER. The doctor at the ER is very concerned about her liver and has her come in for an ultrasound. She has two masses on her liver, and gal bladder diseases with stones. They recommend a CT.
Tuesday morning I get up and head for my parents place to help them put on an event their hosting. When I got there they had just come home from the CT. Two hours later they went back for results. My dad calls me to tell me they're sending her to Salt Lake City (they live in a small town in Montana). He later calls back and tells me to pack her bag and bring my suit case. The health insurance company kept telling the doctors to call back tomorrow for a life flight. I get to drive her 6 hours to the University of Utah Hospital. We get there at 12am. The do the biopsy the next day. My boyfriend accompanied my father down and they arrived at 10am.
Flash forward to Thursday the 16th. Biopsy is Cancer. Move forward to Friday and it's 4th stage Metastatic Pancreatic Cancer involving the Pancreas, Liver, Spleen, and Spleen Artery.
My purpose of this blog is to touch base with the world and talk about what's happening with her progression and to emotionally vent. I am a poet and therefor there will be lots of poems here. I feel like someone has just told me that the best years of my life will no longer exist. I can't seem to get enough oxygen in my lungs and I can't stop think about a wedding dress and how if I don't move now she won't be there to help me pick it out.
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