Loss of Words

Words have always been my best friend so to speak. I've been writing stories and poetry for most of my life. And now at a time when things need to be said and my emotions need to be out I can't put sentences together.

I am literally at a point where not only does no one know what to say to me. I don't know what to say at all. I feel I allow myself to live in this little covey of denial where I say that my mother is doing ok because not being at home with her I can say that. But when I go home for a few days which I just did I can't say that. I could say she's doing well considering her condition. But I can't say she's ok.

For that matter I can't say that my father is ok either. I only got to see him for an hour and it takes very little to see what this is doing to him. Just hug him and you can feel how broken he is and how lost he feels. My mother told me that he gave her a hug the other day and told her, "I'm not smart enough to fix this." And I'd say that about sums us all up. We're a family that attacks a problem from step by steps. Go through all the hoops, cut through all the red tape and do what you need to do and all will be well. But this is not that way, no matter how many hoops we jump through no matter how many barriers we break we will still be in the same place as before, and that is that I'm going to loose my mother before she can see the fruits of her labor in me come to blossom and my father is going to loose his wife to whom he's been faithful for just over 30 years.

I feel an obligation to my family and my father to put my strong front on. But I'm not entirely sure that's fair to myself.