Blog from Dec.30 2009

Certain family members have been telling me for a long time that they think I need to stand up to my father and stop being controlled by him but only I could decide to do it. I didn't understand what they ment. Now I'm catching on. But is now the time to be catching on? What I really want to do at this juncture in time is (pardon) tell him to go F himself and just take off. Problem with that is my mother gets caught in the crossfire. I finally see that everytime I turn around and say there's something I want to do he says "we'll see"...."we'll see" like it's his decitions what I do. It's not his choice anymore. What I want to do matters **** it. I know there's a lot of obligations now and I know that they need a certain amount of my help. But does that make it ok when it compromises my life, when it's going to make me miserable, when it runs the risk of me losing opertunities that I want? Where is the line drawn between beign helpful and being a door mat? I love my dad which is why I have the ability to hate him so much too. But what do I do about it now? How do I tell him he can't do this to me anymore when things are tough enough already? We all need to be in top form as much as possible, be as happy as possible, rested, life moving in forward motion in order to get through the rougher times ahead. But, what he's asking of me is nothing short of compromising my emotional well being at a time when I really need it to be working in tip to order to handle what's happening and what's ahead. I know what I want to do, I've made it plain to everyone but he makes me feel guilty for wanting to do anything other than stay at home. I can't just stay at home there's nothing for me there. And yes I'd have my family to an extent, but it's not my home, it's their home. All it is for me is my family home, it's cold, winter sucks, and my job sucks. How is that going to make me helpfull? How is that going to make things better? I know they've missed me, and he's missed me and I've missed him, but at a certain point where and how do I draw the line between their life and mine, and how do I do it now?