At "Home"

Well I have been "home" for two weeks this coming Monday and I'm quite miserable here. I'd forgotten how isolated this place was and how lonely. Compounding on that is the fact that my mothers condition is progressing. The original chemo treatment has stopped working and things are very much up in the air, they're trying other things but it's still an unknown on how they will work and when my parents will be forced to come home for the end. I am here at "home" waiting to see how things go. But I have to say it is not a very satisfactory position for me. I would much rather be where they are. To just cut out and fly down and be there to keep mom company, help dad work, and have the support of my boyfriend right by my side. I know that even if someone isn't physically with you they are "there for you" and all that support is good but sometimes you words on the phone line aren't enough and you just want someone to wrap their arms around you and curl up on the couch for a while. I miss him. I feel helpless to help my parents from here and my dad keeps telling me he needs me to stay put, and I'm complying. But I have to say every fiber of my being is telling me to work my butt off make my bills early and go and help. I can't say that it's totally motivated by helping them. Though that is a big bulk of it, like I said I miss him. But if my family was here and he was there in this situation I would be staying because they need me and I need to be there for them and for myself through this. Add to it I'm not really making ends meat here so far. I started work last week and if I take gas costs out of my pay for last week I only made 55 dollars, that doesn't even by me food, let alone pay for any other of my expenses. I'm lonely, constrained, and helpless. I'm not tracking and I find it quites safe to say I'm probly not eating enough, but I can't seem to find the will to deal with making a meal not to mention the money to but the food to even make a whole meal. I feel up rooted, disrupted and at a little bit of a loss to figure out what I need to do to do what I want. But I'm taking steps and I've got my letters of recommendation getting sent to the school I'm applying to, and I've ordered all but one set of transcripts to be sent. After that I just need to submit my electronic application and send in my portfolio and hopefully but the fall I'll be a MFA grad student in California.