Blog from Dec.27 2009

How do you decide what to feel when you feel everything? I say this because I have finally reached a point in my life where my lack of forward progress is no longer hindered by myself but by my circumbstance (no I can't spell worth a darn so I'm sorry how this blog turns out). I love my mother. I love my family and I know that in times like these we come together and stand as one to get through what's ahead. And I want it understood that for all my complaints I know it's not her fault and I know that there's nothing I can change about how this will go. I'm just going to have to sit up and take the pain. And the truth is that her condition and the fact that she is dieing is not the only pain involved as it that isn't enough. My life has come utterly unhinged. I am at such a point at which I know I can either choose to sercumb to my depression and take a travel down that black hole that I have inside me or I can try to fight it off with the little that I have going for me, which to say is verry little. I've spent the last year and a half putting off things I needed to move on to because my other half would not stop to discuss anything that had to do with it, leaving me in a perdicament of now knowing how to do things. The truth, he didn't really want to shair his life with me, and that's why we didn't get anywhere. So now I am free to make any choice to I choose. But I'm not. And the perk of that choice...well...a man who loves me. An man who's loved me for a long time and a man whom I've always loved. That's not to say I didn't love my previous other half. However I do believe that I've ignored some feelings that were inconvenient to my situation, this I no longer choose to do. I have had the oppertunity to spend time with him on my trip and we have just as much spark as we did ten years ago. He understands me and reads me like and open book, something again my previous could never do. But non of this is as positive a thing in my life as it should be. I now have decided that what I want to do is go home, go back to where I was raised, back to where I grew up, back to California. This is my home, this is where my memories are, this is where my oldes friends are, this is a place where I actually stand a chance of working in a field I want. I don't believe I'd have any trouble getting into the MFA Creative Writing program nor do I think it will be much trouble to do a graphic art minor, especially with a semester of grad school in a top 5 school under my belt already. It all sounds verry exciting doesn't it? And as I type I sure the thud of my heart saying doesn't that just sound like the most happy making situations ever can ring clear. But remember, I don't actually get to do any of this. Because I no longer have the luxury of living my own life, or even begining to build it. I have to place my existance on hold. I will have to live in a town with nothing in it, at a job that I didn't hate persay but the new location is so depressing. And in the end I have to do endure to be at home and care for my mother which I know I should do. But in the light of having so little of what I want out of life happening, how in God's name am I supposed to be strong enough to watch her die? I don't have it in me to tell you the truth. I've spent the last two years waiting for my turn to move my existance forward and now that I've been released to do it, I can't.